best.

do you ever have those feelings where you feel like you will never be the best?

well, i'm having one of those feelings. honestly, i've been having that feeling for the past few weeks... and the sad thing is that i realize a lot of the reason i will never be "the best" is because i'm too focused on how people view me. i want to look like i have $500 when i may only have $5. i want to have a beautiful home when reality is, i live in a 2 bedroom loft. i want to have endless vacations when sadly, i have less than 2 weeks.

you know what i'm sayin?

it's kind of odd, but i was reading browsing people's blogs tonight (i know, slightly stalkerish!). i came to realize that some random strangers are feeling exactly what i'm feeling. granted, they put their feelings into words much better than i, but nonetheless.

there is book titled captivating & it's incredible. girls, it will change your life.

so... in this book, there is almost a whole chapter about shame. i'm not really one that walks around with my head hung low & dwelling on the fact that i want to be more patient, i want to be thinner, i want to be more considerate, i want to gossip less, etc. but, there does come a point where you stand face to face with God & know that the person you are is not the person God has promised you. i feel like over the past 3 years i have changed SO much. i changed location, friends, marital status, jobs & so on. but that shouldn't mean that i stop growing.

there's a quote in the book that goes a little something like this:
"we know that we are not all we long to be, all that God longs for us to be, but instead of coming up for grace-filled air and asking God what He thinks of us, shame keeps us pinned down & gasping... shame says that we are unworthy, broken & gasping for air."

in this new year, i want to look to God for my approval. i am worth fighting for & although i may never be the person i want to be, i won't stop moving forward.